Did You Cheat Because I Never Went Down On You

DID YOU CHEAT BECAUSE I NEVER WENT DOWN ON YOU

"Wow, oh yes, the title is right in your face," said Granny, and that's exactly what I wanted.

"Did you cheat because I never went down on you?" That is what my ex-husband asked me the day I visited his new place before the finalization of our divorce. A part of the reason I went was that I was searching for closure that I honestly knew I wouldn't get and because I needed to apologize. I cheated because I was hurting and wanted to cause hurt. Hurt, which I believed I was entitled to when I chose to cheat. I needed to apologize, not for him, but for me. So I could forgive myself, love myself, and find worth in my vulnerability and honesty. To hold him accountable for how he treated me within the seven years of our relationship and to hold myself responsible for how I treated him. We were a young, toxic love, and honestly, nothing more.

"Did you cheat because I never went down on you?" It was all he could hold himself accountable for, all that he could focus on, and the question itself rattled me.

I've spent the last three years feeling the anger, the hurt, and healing. I forced myself to abandon the burden of pleasing others and to feel every emotion I spent the last seven years burying within myself, started entirely over several times, detoxed from loving a narcissist, and unlearned what I had been taught was good enough. I reached my lowest, and it was there that I wrote some of my most emotional and inspirational poetry.

This book is my healing journey, anger, dirty secrets, and life lessons. It's the best sex of my life and finding a man who believed in me. It's me being both gentle and tough loving with my written words. It's me no longer fearing those who I allowed too much control over who I was.

"Did you cheat because I never went down on you?" The answer is no, and I know you know why.