The Future of the GTA: Contest-winning Stories and Poetry Submitted to the GTA-Whole News

I. M. Satyricus, a direct descendant of Quintus Horatius Flaccus, whose motto, "carpe diem," is his first child's name (or so he says).

To launch a new news magazine for regular people entitled the GTA-Whole Newz, I, I. M. Satyricus, chief editor of T.I.T. (Toronto in Transition), and my sidekick Hizz, created a contest, sent it out to sister publications and got a great response. The successful authors, GTA's normal but agitated people, eager to win one of the unique prizes (composed by the scribblers themselves), sent in their stories and poetry, featuring the foibles, vices and antics of the maladjusted stumblebums, foozlers, boobyish dunces and the rest who display their nonsense throughout the GTA without breaking the law. "They act that way for the sheer hell of it," they say. My response: "Reading about it is better than hiring psycho-shrinks, who are the craziest of the bunch as attested to by those who aspire to be part of the future staff of the GTA-Whole Newz."

GTA-Whole Newz presents a cornucopia of camouflaged excrement, unearthed by the contestants themselves, served up as sagacious lampoonery between these two covers, written in the main with as much humour, disdain or playful exaggeration as it deserves. Hizz and I changed the real names of persons and institutions to avoid lawsuits, because no author or any member of our glorious publication needs or wants to engage in that manner of legal shit. However, make no mistake about these stories and poems, because there's some truth to them that should be taken seriously.

IMPORTANT NOTE: Threats of any sort are tolerated as long as they are not acted upon, because we have some bad bastards and biotches on staff who will retaliate by, in their own words, "squashing you like a bug"!

Read on, precious readers of satire and others who enjoy having their funny bones tickled and their minds kicked up a notch or two! Hizz and I send hugs and kisses to you all!